


Shovel Talk

by MediumAquaMarinePresence



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: BDSM, Humor, M/M, socially awkward hargreeves kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-12 04:37:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20558372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediumAquaMarinePresence/pseuds/MediumAquaMarinePresence
Summary: Dave has met an absolutely phenomenal guy. The only drawback is his nutty family (brothers) absolutely detest Dave. When they aren't intimidating and threatening him they're being anti-social and cold. How can Dave hope to win them over?





	Shovel Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This is a play on the whole shovel talk trope. Also I love the idea of Diego being a v scary Sherlock, with 100% more danger and respecting your mother.

The first sibling Dave met was before he even met Klaus. He’d been following his career all across America and Europe until he finally accepted a full time position with the orchestra in New York, and met first violinist Vanya Hargreeves. The set he entered in on had Bartok’s Violin Concerto No. 2, the honor obviously going to the first violinist for the solo performance. It wasn’t the sort of set Dave had been hoping for, he never much cared for Bartok, but he was looking for stability and there it was. The orchestra director had been wooing him for months, she had promised him a solo in the next set, something grand and romantic, with more finesse than fucking Bartok, so he could stand to sit through it all. He and Vanya had been getting along well, with regular friendly coffee dates. She was quiet, she was sweet, she was very obviously from a large family the way she never seemed to expect to be heard. 

So with that in mind, Dave was still a little intimidated when he heard her rehearse the solo for the first time. 

Her eyes glowed, which was strange, and her hair flew about her in an invisible wind. She gave herself wholly to the piece, and by the end of the thing Dave was left with only two thoughts: first was that wow, she was incredible and very scary when she played like that and second, was that maybe there was something to Bartok. 

“That was something,” he told her as they packed up after rehearsal. 

“What? Oh, thanks,” she said in that casual, oh don’t mind me way she had, tucking her hair behind her ear. 

“You gave me a newfound respect for Mr. Bela.” 

“I didn’t think anyone could do that,” she said, and it was sweet and shy but a biting remark aimed at his complaints over their coffee dates. In no way would he ever mistake Vanya Hargreeves as passive again. “Coffee?” 

* * *

Despite seeing Klaus at the concerts he and Vanya shared, and once sitting a couple rows away when Dave went to Vanya’s quartet’s concert, Dave made a real proper introduction at a kink party. It was held in some perverted old freak’s house, a multi-story vintage building. Dave had been perusing the library, wondering how he could be in leather assless chaps at a kink party in New York City and bored, when he heard someone from the next room over loudly declare birds weren’t real, and after that he was never bored again. 

So it was inevitable the next sibling he met was Ben. Klaus was chatty and carefree and over-shared on just about every front, so Dave didn’t even make it through their first two hours of knowing each other before learning Klaus lived with his brother Ben in a flat near the university campus where Ben was getting his master’s in English literature. Klaus talked about plenty of other stuff as well, he talked about if breakfast constituted a food group or if it just counted as the first meal of the day, his choking kink, how he suspected one of his brothers was responsible for the JFK assassination, and what fashion would look like in 100 years “if, you know, the world doesn’t end”. 

Dave didn’t believe in love at first sight, but he did believe finding such a fascinating person in his dating age range, available, who had a breathtakingly large overlap of interests and a killer smile probably amounted to fate. And, well, Dave rarely did things by halves. They met at the club a few more times, they texted, and then like some rom com montage Dave was standing in front of Klaus’s apartment door with a bouquet of flowers. He knocked, giddy, and Ben answered the door. 

Ben was a little shorter than him and wore an absolutely bored expression when he looked Dave up and down. “Here for Klaus?” he asked. 

“Uh. Yeah.” 

“What’s the password?” Dave swallowed. 

“Password?” 

“Yeah. It’s Klaus’s favorite color.” Favorite color? He knew his favorite breakfast food, the name of his beloved childhood stuffed animal, but somehow favorite color hadn’t come up. Was this some sort of brotherly test, to see if he was good enough to date Klaus? 

“Black?” he tried. Ben stared, face unreadable. 

“I asked him before he got in the shower and he said matte, so black is probably the better answer,” Ben said, and stepped away from the door. Dave vaguely thanked him for inviting him in, even though he really, _ really _hadn’t, and caught snatches of Shakira from what was presumably the bathroom. Ben didn’t invite Dave to sit on the couch but he did sit down on it himself, so Dave joined him. “Are those his favorite flowers?” Ben asked. 

“Uh, no, they just remind me of him.” This was definitely a test. See how well he really knew Klaus, prove he wasn’t here just for the sex. 

“Do you know his favorite book?” Klaus had told him. At least, Klaus had responded to the question “what’s your favorite book” by saying he’d one time read the lyrics to the entire Marina and the Diamonds album Electra Heart while on DMT. 

“Uh…” Thankfully the bathroom door opened and Klaus emerged, wearing a mesh crop top and a flowing black skirt, with an alluring cat eye look. 

“Dave!” he cried, flouncing over and placing a kiss on Dave’s lips. “Are those flowers for me?” 

“Yeah, sorry if they’re not your favorite,” Dave babbled as Klaus took the bouquet with large, emotional eyes. 

“Favorite?” he echoed. “Is broccoli a flower, like, technically? Cause if so I’m going with broccoli.” Klaus hovered, unsure what to do with the flowers but hold them and stare, mouth turning up seeming without his leave. “No one’s ever gotten me flowers.” Dave wanted to leap to his feet and tell Klaus he’d get him flowers every day for the rest of his life, but thankfully some part of his brain overrode that, so when he got up he asked Klaus if he wanted help putting them in some water. Happy to have a bit of direction, Klaus had agreed. 

After a couple months of dating Dave’s appearances at the Ben and Klaus House became more frequent, and still, every time, he got grilled. “Klaus’s favorite celebrity?” one week, to “Klaus’s favorite song?” another, and even “Klaus’s favorite topic in school?”. Dave tried his best, but getting a straight answer out of Klaus was like trying to grip water. Favorite celebrity? The egg someone on Instagram put makeup on. Favorite song? The sounds of that blue whale who was singing too low to be heard by other whales and no one had figured out why. Favorite topic in school? Cryptically, Klaus had looked him dead in the eye and said “mortuary” before hastily changing the topic. Dave tried not to stress, but whenever he gave as close to a reasonable answer as he could be expected to, Ben gave him that slightly disapproving stare before bringing up another topic. 

* * *

“The appointment is going to go a little long,” Klaus had told him, distressed. “I’m so sorry babe, you have your spare key you can go ahead and let yourself in, I’ll be home as soon as I can get the fuck _ out _ of here.” The stress in his beloved lover’s voice was nearly palpable, and made Dave’s chest ache. Klaus needed to be worried about his health, not if Dave was going to spend a little time alone. 

“Do what you have to,” he told him firmly. “I’ll be here when you get out. Focus, ok?” 

“Ok,” Klaus had said, distracted, breathy, and Dave knew he’d be getting a wound up and anxious Klaus that evening. For which there were many solutions. 

Dave let himself into the apartment. He locked the door behind himself and kicked off his shoes while balancing the bag of groceries in one arm. A man emerged from Klaus’s bedroom dressed in all black, carrying a knife. 

Dave was proud he didn’t drop the groceries, but kicked himself that the first thing that popped out of his mouth was “Can I help you?”. The man was terrifying looking, despite wearing what was probably bondage gear, he had a severe scowl and a scar across his temple that only added to his intimidation. 

“I’ll put the groceries away,” the stranger grunted, taking the canvas bag from Dave and moving into the kitchen. Dave wondered if he should call the police. He also wondered why an intruder would put away groceries. Klaus’s bedroom window locked, they all locked, they were all always locked. How had he gotten in? Did he get in through the front door? If so, why was it locked when Dave got there?

So lost in his mounting panic he didn’t notice when the stranger returned, until he cleared his throat and pointed at the couch with his knife. Dave went and sat, wondering if he was about to be murdered. “So you’re dating Klaus,” the man growled. “I’d say… three months? No. Four or five months.” 

“What?” 

“You’re obviously not dating Ben. You showed up with groceries. You bought almond milk, probably for Ben because he’s lactose intolerant.” The man leaned against the wall beside the front door, a very clear statement Dave was not permitted to leave. “And you got turkey bacon, which I’m assuming is for yourself because Klaus has only ever said “I’m going to cut down on my pig products” once and it was while eating a pork chop. Ben eats anything. So you bought the bacon for yourself. You plan on eating breakfast over here, a bold assumption. And it’s an assumption-” the man continued, holding up his knife like you might hold up a finger while making a point, “because you know what’s missing in the fridge. You knew Ben was low on milk, and you also got waffle mix. Now, waffle mix usually requires eggs. And eggs are an easy meal. So if you knew there were eggs in the fridge at the beginning of the week, they probably wouldn’t be guaranteed to be there by the end of the week. So you might have been here… oh, no later than yesterday.” All true, but Dave wasn’t about to admit that. 

“Look-” 

“So, you spend enough time in the apartment to know if they’re low on eggs. Plus, I noticed a new toothbrush in the bathroom. But you wanna know how I know this thing between you and Klaus is really serious?” Dave didn’t move. “You got the good waffle mix. Even though he absolutely cannot taste the difference. He won’t even notice if you make it with water instead of milk.” A beep from the man’s pocket drew his attention, he pulled out his phone and glanced at it. “That would be Ben. Home a little late, isn’t he?” he muttered, before the door unlocked and opened. 

“Ugh,” Ben mumbled upon seeing the stranger. 

“Ben.” 

“What did you do to Dave?” Ben asked as he took his shoes off by the front door. 

“Nothing.” 

“The guy’s terrified.” 

“We were-” a forced, sharkish smile at Dave “-having a nice friendly chat.” Dave swallowed. 

“Dude, did you even tell him who you are?” Ben grumbled, wandering his way to the kitchen. The stranger looked at Dave. 

“I’m Diego.” 

“He’s our brother!” Ben called from the kitchen. “Oh sick, did you bring us food?” 

“Brother?” Dave echoed, staring wide eyed at Diego. “How- how many more siblings do you _ have_?” 

“Depends on who you met already,” Diego returned. “I wasn’t done. You need to tell me your name too, you know. And date of birth.” 

“You need to chill, dude,” Ben said as he came out of the kitchen with a bag of chips. “Look at him he was gonna call the cops on you.” Diego looked slightly confused about that, as if he had absolutely no clue what he looked like. 

“I used my key this time,” he said gruffly, as if that settled the matter. 

“Oh wow, it’s almost like you’re a real person,” Ben muttered. “I need to study. You two have fun.” 

“Wait, Ben, no, don’t leave me,” Dave pleaded, but Ben had left. Diego ate an apple next to him on the couch with a knife in absolute silence for the next half hour until Klaus got home. 

“Dave?” Klaus called before he was even through the door. “Dave I- Diego!” 

“Klaus,” Diego greeted, but Dave saw the way Diego’s mouth turned up into a half smile, and they exchanged a hug. Well Klaus gave a hug, Diego stiffly accepted it. At least it got him off the couch. 

“Oh and you met Dave! Hi Dave!” Klaus waved his HELLO hand and Dave waved back. 

“Hi.” 

“Hope you two have been getting along,” Klaus chatted as he set his messenger bag down and started undoing his complicated shoes. 

“Yup. We were bonding,” Diego told him. “You didn’t tell me you’ve been seeing him for so long. You should bring him to the Academy.” Klaus sighed. 

“Maybe. Right now, I’m bringing him to my bedroom.” 

* * *

At five months of dating Klaus did bring Dave to the Academy. The whole family got together for brunches sporadically, and when it came around Klaus extended the invitation. It came with plenty of outs- my family can be a little much, I get it if we’re not there, there’s always another time. And truth be told Dave was slightly nervous about meeting the rest of the Hargreeves clan. One glowed when playing the violin, one grilled him on his knowledge of Klaus, one broke into apartments, interrogated, and pointed knives at people. What the others did could only get normal from there, right? 

Besides, he was head over heels in love with Klaus. Klaus was beautiful and kind and strong and vulnerable and funny and everything Dave had ever wanted in one person. They were comfortable, compatible, they didn’t leave each other feeling off balance. So if his family was a little… much, that was fine. Dave would do what it took to be with him, and show him he wanted to be serious about this. So family brunch it was. 

Ben, Klaus, and Dave all arrived on the doorstep of the gothic and foreboding building. “Home sweet home?” Dave asked. Klaus hunched his shoulders, clearly uncomfortable, and Ben grimaced. 

“Sure,” Ben said, bringing a fist up to knock on the door. The absolute largest man Dave had ever seen answered the door. 

“Hello,” he said. “Thank you for coming. We are all very excited to meet you.” He hulked in the doorway and didn’t move. The words sounded forced, as if someone had taken him aside before this meeting and drilled it into his head he had to be polite. Dave could just picture it now: this enormous man, offended at someone dating his brother, suspicious, declaring his intentions to get to the bottom of all this and sort out Dave. Give him a good shovel talk. 

“We made cookies!” Klaus offered cheerfully, trying to edge around the giant. “Luther, this is Dave. Dave, this is my brother Luther.” Belatedly Luther stuck out his hand for a handshake. Dave felt his knuckles rotate with the force of it. 

“Come on in,” the man offered, finally standing aside. They found themselves in what had to be a museum, or some movie set for a museum. Paintings and works of art and cavernous rooms, there was absolutely nothing inviting about the place. In a flash of blue a teenager, dressed in that god awful Academy uniform, appeared right beside Dave. 

“You really left yourselves vulnerable,” he told them. “I could’ve shot you three times by now without even trying.” 

“This is Five,” Klaus cut in, again. “Five, this is Dave.” 

“Dave could stand to be a little more alert,” Five told him, looking him up and down. 

“Dave plays the _ cello _ and doesn’t _ need _ to be on high alert for assassins,” Klaus grumbled. “Where did our normal siblings go?” 

“Diego and Vanya are in the kitchen, but that’s not what you asked,” Five smirked. “Come on.” The group all made their way through the strange conglomerate of a building, as if it had begun as a mansion that oozed out into the world around it. There was a pay phone on a wall down one hallway, and they had to step through an enormous hole blasted into a wall to get to what the Hagreeves children called the “kitchen”. It more resembled a kitchen with an attached bakery than a real kitchen, but there was a long table with an entire brunch spread, eggs and coffee and croissants and bacon. 

Klaus tugged him to sit down, and he found himself sitting directly across from the teen. Well. From what Ben and Klaus have been able to explain he was not a teenager so much as trapped as a teenager, and the unfeeling smile he gave was proof enough. “The bacon is kosher,” the teen told him with that creepy smile. “You should try some.” The whole family watched eagerly as a plate of bacon was passed down to him. Dave half expected them to inform him it was poisoned with the way they all watched him take a bite. 

“It’s good?” he tried. That satisfied the Hargreeves siblings who all started piling food onto their own plates. 

“I killed a man with bacon once,” Five said. Ben rolled his eyes, and under the table Klaus gently took Dave’s hand and laid it on his thigh. It was a motion Dave had grown familiar with, something that calmed and grounded his lover. What Ben and Klaus had hinted at was a heavy history, between the siblings and between them and the house and the memories. 

“No you didn’t,” Ben shot at Five. “I bet you just had a target who happened to choke on bacon, and you took credit.” 

“What would _ you _ know about it?” Five growled, holding his butter knife in his fist. “I was the _ best_,” he continued, looking directly at Dave. “I always made it look like an accident. I infiltrated the staff, made sure the bacon was bad, made sure it was just a bit raw, and that was the end of him.” Dave gulped. 

“That so?” he squeaked. 

“Good thing Mom was in charge of cooking this,” Diego grumbled. That got Dave’s attention, Klaus had a mother? Could he meet her? 

“Your mom made all this?” he asked in amazement. “Is she- is she here? I didn’t see her?” Diego speared a slice of bacon on his knife and chewed it. No one said anything for a minute. 

“She’s around,” was the answer from Diego. “Klaus hasn’t told you about her?” Dave wracked his brain. It was hard to put a loving mother in some of the things Klaus had hinted at. How a loving mother could allow some of the things to happen to him was a bit hard to reconcile. 

“I mean, he hasn’t heard a lot about family stuff,” Klaus countered. “Don’t want to, you know, scare him off.” Diego’s eyes narrowed. 

“Right.” Awkward silence descended and Dave took the moment to squeeze Klaus’s thigh comfortingly. 

“Our mom is a robot,” Luther blurted out. 

“But she _ feels things_,” Diego growled dangerously, stabbing his knife into another piece of bacon.

“But she doesn’t eat, so she’s not joining us for brunch,” Five explained, trying to subdue the fight that threatened to break out between Luther and Diego. 

“Can I meet her?” Dave asked, and he didn’t miss the distinct lack of eye contact from Klaus. 

“Sure you can,” Diego told him, there was something to his tone that was very slightly menacing, very slightly sarcastic. Out of the corner of his eye Dave saw Ben had taken out a book, and Klaus was poking at his food. Awkward Hargreeves family silences seemed to be a tradition around here. Vanya came to his rescue. 

“Dave was promised a solo next set,” she said, taking a sip of her orange juice. 

“I killed someone in the middle of their cello solo.” And so on. Any time Dave shared any information, Five was able to relate it back to an assassination. Diego said nothing, just stabbed his food and stared angrily. Luther tried to interject occasionally, and while the words were polite, the tone was so stilted and forced it was as if someone had written him a script. 

At last the food was gone and Klaus reluctantly said Dave could meet his mother. Diego eagerly led Klaus and Dave to the upper level of the house, where a woman straight out of a conservative’s wet dream sat on a bench, in an alcove surrounded by art, cross stitching and humming. “Mom?” Diego hedged, and the woman looked up, a plastic smile on her face. 

“Oh, Diego, dear! And Klaus. Did you enjoy brunch?” Diego sat beside her. 

“It was perfect, Mom, thanks,” he told her. “This is Dave.” 

“Hi.” The robot turned her attention to her guest. 

“Diego told me about you,” she said sweetly. That couldn’t be good. “It’s so good to meet you. You’re welcome here any time you need.” She stood they embraced. It was strange, she was definitely a robot, but charming. 

“Thanks.” 

“You can call me Grace,” she told him with such warmth Dave could almost forget she wasn’t human. Diego looked at him intently and Dave became keenly aware of how far back Klaus was hanging from the whole scene. 

“It’s wonderful to meet you, Grace,” he told her sincerely. Whatever was between Klaus and his robot mother was certainly complicated, and Dave wasn’t sure if he was allowed to get into that, but the best course of action was to be polite. 

“I’m ready for a nap,” Klaus announced as they got into Dave’s car. “Are you exhausted? Cause I definitely am. Oh and you have quartet tonight don’t you?” 

“It was… eye opening,” Dave tried. 

“Please don’t dump me because my family is insane.” Dave laughed. 

“I won’t,” he promised. 

Later that night he gave some considerable thought to Klaus’s family. He liked Ben, but he knew Ben didn’t like him. Diego was going to stab him the second he said something wrong. Five was probably already plotting his death, knew how to make it look like an accident. Luther, the behemoth, was being held back by some thin line of social propriety. At least Vanya was nice. And Grace, but Klaus’s relationship with her seemed terribly fraught. A part of that Dave could understand, he knew Klaus who thrived on feelings and emotions and empathy, that he likely wouldn’t find a relationship with a robot fulfilling. 

* * *

For not liking Dave very much the Hargreeves boys sure found ways to slither into his life. Apparently Diego wanted to get to know Dave, although Dave was sure Diego had been in his apartment, and Klaus gave in because he wanted to spend time with Eudora. That saw Dave and Diego go bowling, and it was the most painful social interaction of Dave’s life: Diego was either completely, stone cold silent, or making some sort of accusatory conversation. 

Five and Luther started going to his concerts, which was very strange. Luther didn’t look much like he wanted to be there, and he never said much of anything, while Five chatted casually about various assassinations and other adventures through time.

Luther offered for Dave to go work out with him. And he offered in a way that inspired Dave’s imagination as to what saying no would mean. While Dave showed up in old gym shorts and a t-shirt, Luther remained fully clothed. He was as much of a beast as Dave thought he might be, it was shocking the equipment didn’t crumple under his hands like dust. 

Something told Dave Luther was imagining it was his bones. 

* * *

The last sibling Dave met was Allison. She flew in from California for a month, and Dave was invited to her welcome home dinner held at the Academy. “Why don’t you all ever go out to a restaurant or something?” Dave had asked. 

“We’re banned from like, every restaurant in the area,” Ben told him. 

“It’s Diego’s fault,” Klaus added. “And Luther. Almost exclusively.” Dave didn’t mind going to the Academy. But he knew it was stressful for Klaus, he knew his lover was anxious and on edge and afterwards needed just a little more care. It was admirable Klaus was willing to go through all of that for the sake of his family, but Dave wished there was a way it had less of a toll on him. 

He also wondered if Allison would be as terrifying as the rest of the Hargreeves clan. 

* * *

To his intense relief Allison was intimidating but normal. She conducted herself like he thought she might, someone of importance, who expected to be catered to and listened to. “Dave, so good to finally meet you,” she said, presenting her hand rather than shaking his. “I’ve heard just _ so _ much about you.” Dave glanced at Klaus. 

“You talk about me, babe?” he asked, and Klaus raised his eyebrows. Allison laughed. 

“The sum total of what Klaus has told me has been your sign and your first name, in that order,” she answered. “I have the texts to prove it.” 

“But who else would be talking about me?” Dave wondered aloud, glancing around at the anti-social siblings. Maybe Vanya? 

“I’m hungry,” Ben blurted out. Allison looked at him weird but Diego, Luther, Five, and Vanya were all hastily agreeing and trying to move them towards the kitchen. Dave was still confused, he didn’t know if Allison was joking about Klaus not talking about him, but he decided he could let it go. The dinner was more normal than it usually was, as finally two proper extroverts were together to carry things along. But while Klaus and Allison tried to keep things at least socially acceptable, the brothers were not having it. 

At least Allison thought it was weird. Klaus never seemed quite aware, or at least concerned, about his strange brothers. Continually her eyes flicked to Dave with sympathy, which Dave would have happily sunk into if he didn’t have to keep Klaus together. 

* * *

Allison took him out for coffee later that week. “I was looking forward to getting to know you, just us,” she said, her sweet smile tinged with sympathy. “All I really ever get is from the _ boys _ and they’re… unreliable.” 

“They hate me, you mean?” Dave couldn’t help but sulk as he stared into his Americano. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“Your brothers,” he continued. “I firmly believe they all _ actively _ want me dead.” Allison tapped her manicured nails against the saucer below her tea cup, clearly thinking.

“I’m unsure if that’s the case,” she said at last. “They’re a little… under socialized.” Dave definitely believed that, but there was no way the brothers liked him. 

Was there? “I’ll tell you what, you Klaus and Ben come over, we’ll have a movie night or something and sort this out. Trust me, Dave, they don’t hate you.” 

* * *

Klaus was a little reticent to attend an Academy movie night, but he would do almost anything if Dave asked him sweetly, so it wasn’t too difficult to wrangle him over there. Ben went where Klaus went, so his end of the bargain was complete. Klaus curled up beside him on the couch, and Ben had his own armchair while Diego insisted on sitting far too close to Dave on his left. Luther had his own chair, while Vanya and Five shared another couch. Allison stood before them, trying to look stern despite her intense and obvious amusement. 

“I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings,” she began, “but Dave thinks all of you hate him.” 

“No he doesn’t,” Diego immediately countered. “We’re friends.” Dave let out a shaky laugh, that got him a glare from Diego. “Aren’t we?” Diego demanded. 

“You broke into my apartment,” Dave pointed out. Diego nodded. “When we went bowling you didn’t say a _ word _.” 

“What, he didn’t say anything? Like at all?” Klaus asked, sitting up and suddenly interested. 

“Of course not. Companionable silence. It’s how men bond,” Diego told him. 

“Oh please, does Eudora buy that shit? Cause you can’t pull it on me. I’m also men. I know it’s bullshit,” Klaus countered. 

“You’re always angry at me,” Dave continued. 

“That’s just what Diego sounds like,” Allison assured him, grinning. “He asked me the time yesterday and you would’ve thought I’d murdered someone.” 

“I’m a direct communicator,” Diego protested. 

“I _ told _ you you weren’t friends,” Ben mocked from his chair. “Dave and I are friends.” Dave openly gaped at him, and he saw Ben’s confidence falter. “Er. Are we… not?” 

“You quiz me every time you see me,” Dave started slowly, not wanting to make any wild accusations. “Literally every time.” 

“I do?” 

“He does?” Klaus was interested enough to stop teasing Diego, so that was pretty damn interested. 

“Every time I come over and you’re not ready,” Dave explained. “He’s always asking me trivia about you. It’s… intimidating.” Allison raised her eyebrows at her bookish brother. 

“You _ quiz _ him?” she asked. Ben opened and closed his mouth, profoundly out of his depth. 

“We. Uh. Well we both like Klaus. So. I thought, we would… talk about Klaus.” Dave could tell he was avoiding using the word “bonding”, considering how terribly it had gone for Diego’s argument, but the sentiment was clear. 

“I told you you idiots were going about it the wrong way,” Five piped up. “Dave and I are friends. I’ve impressed and entertained him with stories about my exploits. Right, Dave?” 

“You have only ever talked to me about people you’ve killed,” Dave replied. 

“Exactly! Entertaining!” 

“You talk about how you murdered people doing whatever I’m doing.” 

“I make my anecdotes pertinent. It’s a cornerstone of social interaction,” Five told him smugly. Dave felt faint. 

“Am I being punked?” he asked, more to the universe than anyone in particular. 

“Dave and I go to the gym,” Luther put in. “And I’m always completely appropriate.” 

“You crushed a cantaloupe with your bare hands while staring at me,” Dave pointed out. Luther shifted in his seat. 

“I get flustered in social situations,” he admitted quietly. You could say that again, Dave thought, but didn’t say it. An awkward silence had descended on the great room, as everyone was coming to terms with the scope of their misunderstanding. 

“They have a group chat,” Allison said eventually. “It’s called the Dave Friendship Chat. They mostly try to one-up each other in it, over exactly who is your best friend.” Klaus gasped. 

“You had better have receipts-” 

“I’ve got receipts.” Allison passed Klaus her phone and after a moment of scrolling he fairly fell out of his seat with laughter. 

“I’m gonna piss myself,” he gasped, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “You guys are _so weird_! Were you raised by _ wolves_?” Dave blinked around at the siblings as Klaus leaned on him heavily, still wheezing. 

“All this time you wanted to be friends?” he asked in amazement. “All you’ve done is threaten me. Did you think that was how to make friends?” The looks on their faces told him yeah, that’s exactly what they thought. 

“All right, girl’s night out,” Allison decided, already tugging her purse over her shoulder. “Klaus, Vanya, let’s go get mani pedis.” 

“Why does Klaus get to go to girl’s night?” Diego demanded, but Klaus was already leaping to his feet. 

“Have fun boys!” he called over his shoulder as he urged Vanya out the door in front of him. Dave did not want to be alone with all of Klaus’s brothers, without a single socially adept person in sight, but it seemed his input wasn’t necessary. Luther, Diego, Five, and Ben all stared at Dave. 

“So,” Dave began. “Maybe, uh, maybe we… have more in common than we think, huh?” 

* * *

Klaus, Allison, and Vanya all tiptoed back into the great room and peeked in. There wasn’t screaming or yelling or crying, The boys had all thrown themselves on the floor with blankets and pillows, and while they couldn’t see what they were watching they could certainly hear all of them whispering the lines along with it. “Nerds,” Klaus snorted. “At least someone will watch those things with Ben, because I sure as hell won’t.” Allison used his shoulder to brace herself while she kicked off her heels, but when her shoes came off they didn’t all race into the great room. 

Ben, Diego, Luther, Five, and Dave were all sharing their vehement opinions on every scene of Lord of the Rings. For once Dave wasn’t anxiously looking around for Klaus, he wasn’t checking his phone or the time, he was engrossed in the movie and the discussion. Klaus was happy to let it happen, to let two spheres of his life mesh as comfortably as they could. Soon he knew how this would end, Dave would look up and see him and bound over like a puppy, kiss him and talk excitedly about nerd shit, but for the moment Klaus could let it be.


End file.
